love.

The fact that for the last… well not last, my whole life I’ve been single made me realize a lot of things and I thought I would share some of them. I’m not an expert, I’ll be sharing thoughts and experiences and based on this we will make conclusions… I guess, my mind has been all over the place recently, please bear with me. 

First kiss.

This is the first thing I want to take out of the equation because a matter of fact I never had one before, in my mind I have been planning this episode so many times, trying to get the best first experience and it just never happens to me. I guess I’ve been waiting for this for too long and completely ignored all the signs in front of me this whole time. 

I’m 97% romantic, fully committed to that percent and if it’s not gonna represent some of that, then I don’t want that first experience, I don’t want anything less than that! And yes I know my age factor, trust me! But I decided a long time ago not to rush into things anymore and just enjoy the present time. 

Have I kissed other people before? Yes! A friend by accident, and there’s this one guy who says he was my first kiss when I was little, the matter of fact is that maybe it happened and I just completely erased the moment from my memory because of how embarrassing it is, and common if I can’t remember it, it simply didn’t happen!

Single.

This takes me to the next topic, being single has always been a struggle for me since I have always craved attention. Growing up I realized now, that I was never the guy's first option, to this day still feels like it sometimes… 

Sorry if this sounds like I’m pretending something I’m not but yes I have a pretty solid “fan base” of guys hitting on me constantly waiting to get “a chance” and have fun… and that’s exactly why they all remain where they are until this day. I don’t want to play the full victim role here, but I have set my bar and no one seems to be able to pass that! 

About being single I’ve learned throughout these years of solitude that the best company I’m gonna have is my own, and I have been enjoying dating myself without the complexity that comes when you share your life sentimentally with someone else. 

Dates.

Yes I had some of those… if you can call them dates, just from the top of my head I can think of three of them: 

1. The guy I had a crush on was in a car accident, so I thought would be nice to see him, put things on the table, and finally call it a day, well, none of that was accomplished that day because he decided to bring a girl to what I defined from the very beginning as a date… just horrible and embarrassing experience overall. 

2. This guy I met at work, I felt we had such a good connection, we even shared a peculiar taste for tennis and let me tell you, in this country it's very rare to find someone that even practices the sport, at least that I knew back then! If I can record, he was the one inviting me this time at least! But not everything went as smoothly as you’re thinking because the guy spent the whole time talking about this other lady to whom I think he’s married and has a child till this date. So at least that day he paid for the drinks. 

3. To end on a sweet… well not so sweet, bittersweet note I would say. This guy was introduced to me in high school at a friend’s house, let me tell you OMG, this guy was the tallest, had sun-kissed skin, dark hair, dark eyes, and a beautiful smile, also into sports, baseball to be more specific… he was a solid eight and a half by that time. One time we hung out at my hometown park and he was always so sweet and protective, it was perfect… until I decided it was too perfect. 

One time the guy took his time and wrote me a letter, this day I think is the nicest thing, but back then I got so scared of what my friends would say, I can’t remember but the letter was open and read after school and not only by me, so other people were laughing at it and it got so uncomfortable and embarrassing that I never wanted to meet the guy again, and never did.

And the same basically kept repeating, until no guy was left for me anymore. No more gazillion chances on love for me for how erratically I would behave with every chance given.

The moral of the story for my younger self: f@ck the people!!

Crushes.

What is my life like without having a crush all the time, I think having always a crush saved me and kept me on my toes and I’ll explain; it is a super bad idea to play in your head something that doesn’t exist, I’m aware of that, but when I really have to focus on my life to go through a process, to reach a certain goal of mine as a Capricorn one must do it by its own means, and if it means that I can’t look to the sides while accomplishing something bigger than me, I’ll do it without a blink of an eye, one must do what you gotta do, and so far it worked wonders for me. 

Now putting that to a side, of course, I had celebrity crushes and I’ll rank them from the very top: husband Jake Gyllenhaal, freaking Shawn White, Ryan Cabrera, and Jesse McCartney… of course, there’s more, but those have been the longest.

Another celebrity crush I also had was for Gerard Piqué, it all started even before Shakira met him (hehe!), my celebrities crush all have in common the fact they were all single at the time of my crush, as soon as I found out they’re dating, (except for husband Jake, I just don’t even care at this point anymore!) they are gone in my book and I move to the next one, so to this date knowing the type Piqué is, I thank Shakira for saving me (hehe!) and sorry at the same time that she meet him!

Back to business; my first ever crush was on a guy who used to visit my uncle’s house while I stayed there, I was so little I couldn’t even put into words at the time why I felt the way I felt towards that guy, he was the sweetest until this date, I think he’s now married and has kids… now his older brother, I would give him a chance if he asked me out! 

The other crush I had was the longest! It started when I was 13th and started to fade when I was 18th. He was my brother’s friend, the first time I remember till this date I fell hard for this guy was a night he came to my front door asking for my brother wearing this hat backward and glasses, that was all it took for me… after some time we lost connection (me and my brother) with that circle of friends since they all moved to different places, until one day I was INTENSIONALLY looking for him, it was on page 16 of Hi5 where I found him and melted, I remember running in that exact moment to my friend's house to tell her, we were all so excited but the hipe ended fast as I realized his entire profile was him dedicating songs and love phrases to his -at the time- girlfriend, few months after me finding him and reconnecting to that old group of friends they broke up, but it was already too late, I had the closing I needed at least mentally for all those years of the biggest, strongest crush I’ve ever had…

I could go for days on this topic and tell stories, but I’ll leave it here for now.

It is so important to love yourself first before getting into relationships, to get to know yourself, and set your boundaries, with those tools you can guarantee yourself a healthy relationship without having to sacrifice the things you love to do as a sole person, for everything there must be a balance and the first step is to step back and know your self, from there take it slowly onto the next level and the right person will come when time is right. In this I trust and as one of my favorite movies How To Be Single says, “Don’t fall on the d@ck sand!”